Today is Still Bad....

[kevfan]

Oy, some days I just sit and think and try to figure out what the point is. The last week or two have been incredibly hard between work, treatment, and school. Plus family. I love my family, I love my boyfriend. There’s just some things that you shouldn’t do. It’s been so frustrating to work my butt off for school, haul my ass to treatment and to work, and come home and have everything blamed on me. The fact that my sister is being an idiot right now is my fault, I should have been a better sister. I should have stood up for her in school more. I should help her with things more. It’s my fault that my dad is blaming my sister and getting really mad about what my sister does, and rather than my mom and him arguing about it, she goes to me and screams at me, has a breakdown etc. It’s my fault that the economy sucks and my boyfriend can’t get a job doing what he wants. It’s also my fault that he can’t afford to go to school. And my fault that even though I pay his bills, he buys food etc, he still has less “spending money” than me…other than it goes to medications, yeah , I do. It’s my fault that I don’t want to buy a house yet, because I have other things to think about, like where I’ll be for school, etc soon. Basically, everything’s my fault. And yes, I know, I shouldn’t be taking it so personally, but right now why does everyone have to take it out on me and act like it’s my fault? Really? There’s no one better out there??? Good grief. So if you have anything you would like to blame on someone, blame on me. Heck, why not! I’m sorry all, I’m just really stressed out, overtired, overworked, sick, gross, negative, grrrr lol. I know I can anytime but thanks for letting me complain. I’m just really struggling right now. I know it’ll get better, but right now I’m having a hard time seeing that light.

[BeiNtelligentLater]

kevfan.............complain away! I can fully understand why you are beyond capacity............they should all at least try to understand that the pressures you MUST bear are heavy enough, so cut out the unnecessary ones!!! I would bear them for you if I could. Perhaps buy a teddy bear and make him responsible for all of those things!! f**kING BEAR!!!!

[scratchy]

holy shit. kevfan - you have some insane family bs to deal with on top of your responsibilities with school, work and trying to get healthy.

first of all. keep venting to us. this is a healthy forum for you to unload all your crap. don't bottle this shit up or you'll make yourself sicker.

what the hell is your sister's problem? good lord. if i was her, i would be grateful for my health and would help my sister go through treatments. christ. it's not like you chose to be sick. whatever happened to the testing she had to do? was she a match for you?

i hope your boyfriend realizes you don't have energy to deal with his issues. you need to concentrate on getting yourself healthy.

i'm not sure why everyone in your inner circle decided to choose you as a verbal punching bag. i'm sorry they are doing this to you when you are already feeling down.

do you think everyone is freaking out since they don't know how to handle you being sick?

i wish we could all get you a one way ticket to vegetable town so you could hang out with kevin all day!

[kevfan]

Nervous breakdown pending, please hold lol. I am sitting waiting for an oncologist to see me and for the nurse to bring me meds. They`re taking forever so out comes the laptop. I conned my mom into letting me have her car while mine is in for service today. Don`t need a car but it`s nice to have around. Otherwise they`re all still being jerks. Everyone it seems is. Why the heck not lol. And the added stress is making me feel so much worse, but what can ya do right?

I do agree that part of it is likely because they are freaking out. I get that. But I already feel like enough of a burden so sometimes it just makes it feel not worth it. I`ll get through it, bbut these are the really tough battles.

I'd go to vegetable town andhang out with Kevin any day...now how do I find a ticket lol.

[no nickname, just Andrea]

Don't forget to breathe, kevfan! Deep and cleansing breaths... Go to your happy place! How about Vegetable Town?! Ooh, think about that beautiful puppy that you'll get to see when you get home! Puppies are just bundles of lovin' covered in fur! And she can't bitch at you!

Having my own stupid disease to deal with, I understand how much stress effects the body. So no matter what, try to stay as unstressed as possible! Stress is bad, mkay?

I hope that everyone pulls their heads out of the their ass soon and eases up on you. But in the meantime try to lower that stress level however you can. Bitch to us on here... ever tried meditation? Good tunes? Long drive alone in your car? Whatever it takes! PUPPY LOVIN?!?!!!

Feel better soon! And just remember, like mob said in her last post in the last thread, you are an amazing person!!! Just keep swimming!

[scratchy]

don't ever feel like you are being a burden. you didn't choose to be sick! don't let them brainwash you into feeling guilty.

you would only be a burden if you asked your family to drive you to every thinbuckle show and dress you in a monster outfit. even we would roll our eyes at that request!

it's a shame you can't do a quick getaway with a friend to get away from everyone. you need a weekend away so you won't be getting yelled at and you can detox from the stress.

i hope you live closeby to one of the upcoming bnl or kevin dates. you need some serious cheering up!

[Barenaked Flipper]

If All Else Fails You Can Blame It On Kevfan.

I think there's a song there.....

[BeiNtelligentLater]

Kevfan is hard to sing...........how about blame it on HER?! We all know who is to blame anyway!

[sillylilypad36]

There is nothing that gripes me more than rudeness and selfishness. I know, kevfan, that your family is trying to deal with your illness in their own way but to pick on you when you are weak and vulnerable is low. Sometimes you wish there would be some kind of warrior that would come in and fight your battles when you can't for whatever reason. Believe me, there has been many a time in the last few years that I have wished for that warrior to make an appearance.

And sometimes, you just have to pluck up the courage to say in a calm, quiet voice, "Back off!" They need to handle their own problems themselves and not make you their emotional tether ball. Easier said than done, I know. But there will come a day when you'll blurt it out and they'll be caught off guard. Then they may see what it's doing to you. However this plays out, please, please, put yourself first. Think of your health. They'll get over whatever hurt feelings they have eventually. But you must think of yourself first and foremost. Stay strong.

[kevfan]

Well here I am, in the hospital (yet again, what else is frickin new) and everyone's out at Katepwa lake here. My own fault, sort of, because I told them to go, it's a family reunion. Have at it!! I mean, the world's not going to end if I'm not there. But it'd just be nice if people kept their word. A few people said they'd stop by, and my mom said she'd be back a couple of hours ago to check and see how I'm doing because I'm not allowed visitors after 8. Heck I'm happy to be allowed to have visitors at all. But not when they don't show!!! LOL. It's all good, I have stuff to do on the computer, and I'll be outta here by probably Monday at the latest, but it's still really frustrating.
And I'm going to have to look pretty at work from now on with a mask because silly piggy flu is going around work. I don't know what it is about this city, but a population of 200,000 and we have over 300 confirmed cases, not counting the thousands of people that have stayed home because the hospitals and drs have been pleading people to just stay home for 7 days minimum, and not go out until all symptoms are completely gone. There's soooo many probable cases it's disgusting. But with my weakened immune system, I just have to be extra careful. Anyone coming in with flu symptoms I have to go home. And if no one is sick I just wear the mask. I have a feeling I'm going to be very bored, very broke, and very much lacking in the medications I need because I'm so broke. Oh well, I will work something out. I'll just be the innocent little girl and get my parents out from this blaming crap and they'll pay for it all lol. It's all good. And if that fails by any stretch of the imagination, I have an aunt that will help. Thank goodness for people at least pretending to care. Just doing my best to avoid the loan thing.

Okay done ranting. More positivity? Sure... Flipper, BNLater...HAHAHAHHAHA too funny!!! Umm, what else. I got 77% in my social psychology class, woohoo!!! I think I'm going to trade my car in. I want a pretty blue one lol. I have a 3 week break starting.....this week!!! Sooo excited but really nervous too. Lots of testing, and a trip to Winnipeg involved, but hopefully I'll be feeling decent. Hopefully we find out that the treatments are working too...that would be super fantastic! That's what my stress will be for the next few weeks. But hopefully will know by the end of not this week, next week. Yay!!! I'll let y'all know, eh? LOL

Wow long winded. Whatever, you know you're happy I'm here lol. Hope everyone's doing super fantastical!

[scratchy]

SHUT THE HELL UP!!

another family needs to seriously adopt you. this is getting beyond ridic. why can't they roll the family reunion through the hospital? it's not like yer having a stinkin spa day. good lord. i know i shouldn't talk smack but they are seriously annoying the crap out of me. grrrr being in the hospital can be so scary, boring and lonely. i am surprised they didn't take turns sitting in your room. LAME

hopefully you have a dr. mcdreamy, dr. mcsteamy or dr./mayor of vegetable town you can swoon after.

i am glad you have a compassionate aunt who is willing to help you out. your relatives need to step up.

[mobitz]

I agree with scratchy. You need a new family. But you do.... you have us. We can't be there in person, but we are just a post, tweet, facebook message, or email away!!


Hugs and love!

[BeiNtelligentLater]

Watch out scratchy is pissed...............and she is a awesome stalker so watch out!! kevfan, mob is right we are all just a tweet or post away. I hope that things are better now, but if your family does not turn it around, just let us know and we will come and give them a good thunk up beside the head!

[kevfan]

Lol thanks guys. You rock. You're the family I need lol.

As for everything, my mom finally showed, late. But at least she showed. No one else did, but it wasn't as big of an issue because they're friends. Stuff comes up and it happens. And the 2 phoned the hospital to apologize so that was really sweet too. Yeah, they come as a package lol. Oh well. My boyfriend showed up on Sunday morning, not too long before I was supposed to initially be discharged. He brought some cd's for me - Tragically Hip - but blew a bunch of money on himself too so I told him to go away lol. I just wasn't in the mood to deal with him. He was a little angry after that, but whatever, he can deal with it.

It's just been so stressful lately with all of this crap with my family and stuff. Honestly it really makes me feel worthless. But somehow I find something to bring me up and through it. I've gotta keep on keepin on, as best I can. I know it's a really downer time for me right now and I'm sorry everyone. I like to be more positive and stuff. It's just hard for me to find lately. I'll find it and bring it back to you as soon as I can lol.

Super nervous about this 3 week break. I'm hoping everything is well, but there's always a thought in the back of my mind, no matter what, thinking that the break will result in everything growing exponentially to the point that it can't be fixed. Stupid paranoia!!! It's never happened, come on!!! Haha I think it's just my brain working overtime. I have about a bazillion tests next Thursday, standard blood work, PET, CT, MRI, EEG, EKG, ECG, STFU...hahahaha okay maybe not the last one. But I think it's gonna be ever so much fun. At least it'll be out of the way and I should have results from all of them really quickly at least. And then we really know how it's gonna go. It's all being done away from home so I can also get the bone marrow results...yay! Finally!!!

In the eloquent words of Mr. Hearn: "All we want to know for sure is that there is a door, a pool to swim. Rest assured that I will jump right in"
Haha yes, I'm doing my best to jump in! It's just not easy right now. Thanks for putting up with me right now haha.

[mobitz]

Think of it as a 'summer break'. We always used to come back from school to the new year older, wiser and ready.... so this is your 'summer' break to come back stronger and healthier. I understand the doubt and the uncertainty of the disease....but don't let it consume your thoughts. Keep rockin the positivity. Don't let it get into your soul. Show it who's boss. Kick it in the nuts!

And as always... Vent away here! We are here for you! <3